i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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