The maid of honor just puked.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize