Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
