I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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