You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
