Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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