I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
