i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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