Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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