Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
