I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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