got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
