fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
