Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
