pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
