Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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