A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
sarcasm needs its own font
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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