We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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