That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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