I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
