well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Mom said you looked used
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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