Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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