There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
