Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
