Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
