I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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