I just saw a hot homeless man
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
