My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
