Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
