Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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