I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
