Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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