yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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