i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
