at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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