She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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