Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
