went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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