sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
