Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
