Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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