At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
