i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We had to coat check the pizza.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
