He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
