4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
