I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
