once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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