He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
