What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
