Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
