Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
