So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
