Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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