So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
