Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
