yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
