I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
