Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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