i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
