EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you had me at cake vodka
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
